I'm writing this on my phone.
Which I guess I won't need anymore.

But, if you're one of my friends out there. I want to tell you I miss you already.
And if you've just found this, or some newspaper has got through the encryption.
Sorry for not being clear.

I can't - I can't put it into words or numbers.
But it's not something I'm scared of.
And they are not taking me.

I'm going with them.
I want to, and so does He.

Who knows how this will play out after I'm gone.

But H.

H, I could never have gotten here without you.
You are my world.
But it's time to leave this one.

I wish I could expand on that last post.
Dinner with H just changed everything.
Every.
Thing.

I.

I don't know where to start.
To the GG lot.
Thank you.

Sorry I never could give you the specifics you wanted.
But.
Maybe by the time you read this, things will make sense.
Especially if you know where I am on this tiny planet we call home.

This sounds dramatic.
And scary.
And I think an earlier version of me would have run away from this.

But, just so you know.
I'm not going to be doing this alone.
Not anymore.

He's probably reading this. Yes, you, stop it. I told you not to...
So I'll stop before.

Well.
Before I go.

I'll try to find the time between packing to make things clearer.

Everything is different now.

I'm sitting in my car on a lay-by on the way to see H.
And my head won't stop spinning again.

So.
I went there.
And it was beautiful.

I walked, for what seemed like an age.
Soaking in the atmosphere.
But in all that time no great epiphany came.
Nothing parted in the clouds and hit me like a thunderbolt.

Until.
I thought I should actually talk to some of them.
My data.
The real human people who make up these endless stats.

I know I'm not supposed to.
But then I noticed someone sitting, on their own.
And I just felt drawn to them.

So I took a seat next to them and struck up a conversation.
And, unbelievably, she knew exactly what I was doing.
And before I knew it I told her everything.
And she understood.
This random subject understood me.
Everything I said.
She understood.

It was an amazing feeling, to suddenly be within the depth of such a discussion.
And she want to know.
And I wanted to tell her.

And before I knew it I was already late to meet H, but I just couldn't tear myself way from this other woman.
Let's call her J.
And then I was frantically ringing H and apologising for being late.
And now I'm even more late.
I best stop writing.

I'm still not sure what happened this morning.
But something did.

I'm going to go there.
That's the answer.

Stop looking at abstractions.
And numbers, and percentages and ratios.

Just get out, go there, see it for myself.

How long have I sat here, starring at these representations.
When the real data, the living breathing bodies are so close.
How foolish of me to think that I could have ever solved this remotely.

Of course I need to be there.
Amongst it.

Funny how one conversation can open some many new doors.

I slept all weekend.
For almost 30 hours.
That's a lot of sleep.
But at my desk today I felt more awake than ever before.

I pushed out litte data to the GG group today, I've already smuggled some of it home.
So there's no use in playing by the book now.

But nothing came back from them.
And they love a challenge.

But I still felt calm, starring out towards the sea.
Because I know that I'm on the right track.
I'm just not coming at this the right way.

Maybe H would help.
A fresh perspective might be just what I need.

It's been two days since I last slept.
I don't know what's happening.
It's like my head won't stop whirring.
I haven't felt like this since...well for a while.
Am I losing it?
If anyone is reading this please tell me I'm doing the right thing.
I can't stop pouring through this set.

I feel guilty.
But work doesn't even know I take it home.
It's totally against the rules.
And I'm still making no progress.

But I can't shake the feeling I'm missing something.
Something big.

I think I worked for 20 solid hours yesterday on it.
And for what?
Nothing, there's nothing in this data, it's totally regular, safe, ordinary, the usual.
All of that time, and lack of sleep and mugs of coffee.
And what have I got?
Just a work log that makes me look like maniac, bags under my eyes and the disdain of my boss who seems to think all I've done is waste all of our limited time.

Forget it.

I'm leaving it - next project.

Back at work.
I'd hoped a weekend of walking alone would have cleared my head.
But.
No I'm back infront of the database, everything still seems as foggy.
Report deadline is looming.
I know I haven't given you any specifics yet.
Sorry for that.
But.
What should I do?
Leave it, package it up, send it off and get onto the next thing?
Or should I follow my hunch and chase this?

For the first time I really don't seem to know the answer.
Help.

Every time I seem to make progress with this new data at work.
Something pops up and distracts me from getting deeper.
I feel.
No.
I know that there's a discrepancy here.
But all I'm tasked with is cleaning it, analysing it, formatting it.

It's the first time at work I think I may be on to something.
For obvious reasons I can't write too specifically about it here.
Who knows who else logs on?

I notice all sorts of strange IP addresses linking in late at night from hostnames that even I can't seem to resolve.

But I know you're there.
Reading.
So hello.
Whoever you are.

Tasked with a vast data set today.
Potentially interesting, probably boring.
Unfortunately cannot say too much to the GG forumites who I knew read this.
I'll go through the NDA in detail and see what I can reveal.
And if anything miraculously manifests you can expect it to appear here.
No other news to report.